Changing spots

They say that Leopards don't change their spots.

That is certainly true for my Dad's wife.   After her initial push back to my offer to help with Alan, I decided that my straight-forward-pragmatic-nurse approach did not fit with her denial.  So in attempt to soften my approach I toned down my emails, switching to just asking for updates rather than rendering input.  I  stepped back.  I want to be informed but I don't want to intrude.

After G posted a photo of him in a hospital bed on FB a few months ago, I  did say that I would like to know when big things were happening .  Except for my initial visit to Goodsam, I haven't been present for any discussions, nor have I bombarded with texts, calls or emails.

So when he was discharged from rehab and I wasn't included in the discharge conference ( as an observer only- I just want to hear the medical stuff from the medical people) , I saw very clearly that we are back to the Alan-has-no-family-or-obligations-except-to-me-and-mine way of living.  I got an email after the fact saying "Oh sorry I forgot to tell you that he was coming home, I hope you didn't go to M- rehab and find him gone" . Completely passive aggressive.  But I let it go.

Tonight I was IM'ing with A, who is in NYC in college. He said his Mom was coming for parents weekend tomorrow.  Really?   I didn't even get a courtesy notice that she was going to be gone.  And where is Alan? At her mothers.

That to my mind, is seriously fucked up.

Jeopardy

Alan is still in rehab for his knee.  The facility is beautiful and the workers are amazing.  He spends part of every day doing PT and OT.  He is getting around better with his walker.

I've visited him several times in the last week.  I admit I am always testing him- watching his responses to questions, listening for repeat phrases, seeing beyond what he is saying to ascertain what he is covering up.  He is much better than he was described to me just after surgery.

Its interesting  and confusing  for me because much of the time I've been visiting  he seems like himself.  The small slips are only there if you are looking.  It would be so easy to brush this stuff off.  He is after all, 70.  He doesn't remember names well so he dances around it.  He says things like "the girls" instead of calling them by name.  He couldn't find the word "tractor" the other day- so instead he described " a machine that a farmer uses to turn up dirt".    He asks the same question several times.  He knows what day it is but not always if it is morning or afternoon.

I am not sure what the hell to think.  This diagnosis is bad,  really bad, but am i being Chicken Little or am I being pragmatic and logical?

I know that part of the "job" of rehab is to assess where he is cognitively so they can figure out what kind of support he needs when he leaves the facility. I hope I am allowed to be part of that conversation but I have my doubts.

Alex, I'll take seeing into the future for 100 please.

Twisted or Braided?

I like stories with an interesting plot. The more intrigue, twists and turns  the better.

I'd prefer my life to be less interesting.

The last week has been a hellish roller coaster.

I've never been able to embrace my fathers current wife.  She has always treated my siblings and I as a threat.  She would prefer to believe that we don't exist , that there was no one before her and her children.  That my Dad's only obligations are to her and hers.  I am not sure if she sees the danger as a monetary threat or some other destabilizing factor.  I have never "had it out with her" but I have always stayed a cautious distance from her.  Detente.   Deflecting any invitations that might be personal, but accepting family dinner invites.  Keeping to superficial conversations, easy topics of discussion. Nothing personal. Ever.

My Dad and I spent a lot of years not talking. The root was in his wife . She'd  had had a huge fight with my sister and treated her very badly. My sister was deeply wounded. I took my sisters side, my Dad took the his wife's side and that was that.

When I came home from China  with Ruby, my Dad  reached out to me.  I wasn't sure I was ready , but with the help of Helen, my therapist,  and some time,  we worked it out.  I got to air my disappointments and griefs with him  over his absence in my childhood and we forged a new relationship.  Initially I was not interested in having a relationship with my half siblings, but eventually that changed and now I am quite fond of them.  Of their Mother, not so much.

I've always known that the braid of relationships  with this blended  family that I have created  would twist at some point,  and  true to form it has.

The diagnosis of Lewy Body is grim no matter how you look at it.  In trying to be available and supportive,  I also need to meet my own needs. I see my Dad has a devastating progressive neurological condition that he is not going to get better from.  Selfishly I want to make some time and space in my own life to spend more time with him.  I am considering taking intermittent FMLA ( which I am entitled to by law).   I offered a weekly "date" with him to go to lunch, take a drive, go to appointments or  do whatever  he needed once he is home and she declined.  She is not willing to make the space for me to do that. Of course I can see him as much as I want, but I am not welcome to arrange my schedule for something regular.

Illustrating the reason that I have never been able to fully embrace her.

I spoke to the Social Worker to fill her in on the complicated family situation.  I think she appreciated my honesty. It sounds like they have the savvy to deal with the deep veil of denial that  his wife has.  I hope that I'll be kept in the loop of information and plans.  But I'm not confident I will be.

At my visit with  Alan today in rehab he appeared to be remarkably better.  After a medication change he has no more hallucinations.  I watched him carefully for signs of covering and he is still covering his inability to remember names and some words but he did seem much better.   I hope that he will stay on the plateau  and have some good years left.  But I am pragmatic enough to know that that is likely wishful thinking.